Role Reversal
“I’ll do whatever it takes to return the love and care they provided for me, it’s the least I can do for my parents.” ~Unknown
Life is never neat and tidy. Life is a messy plate of pasta with too many noodles to stay on the plate and too much marinara that dribbles over the edge and onto the floor. Many of us grow up planning out what our life should look like if we follow a certain pathway when we follow our dreams. But life isn’t always so agreeable and there may be a sudden and rapid need for flexibility in the time it takes to answer the phone. As we all know, we live in a society where our population is getting older and living longer through better medical technology and higher quality of treatment. I have a very close friend whose mother and father are both in their upper 80’s. She is as spry as a spring chicken and he is dealing with cancer issues after 50 years of smoking unfiltered cigarettes and the medical treatments are causing him to struggle with his mobility and his quality of life. My friend lives 5 hours away…his other siblings live all over the Midwest. What do you do?
The reality is that our population is growing older and is doing so on an unprecedented scale. The economic impact of this aging population may never truly be fully understood but I’m talking about a more personal impact. I’m talking about when one or both of your parents suddenly need help doing things that they have never needed help with in the past? What I’m talking about is when the child has suddenly been thrust into the position as the caretaker of their parents. Sarah Baldauf writes an excellent example of the suddenness of this possibility in the opening of her article for U.S. News:
“Few people gleefully anticipate the task of caring for an aging parent—but plenty seem to deny that it's coming. Sooner or later, avoidance can thrust adult children into the caregiver role with a shotgun start. A parent's slip in the bathroom or a collision caused by a mistake in the driver's seat can precipitate a deluge of anguished decisions and rapid changes you're not ready to handle. Suddenly, you could be scrambling to locate account numbers to pay Mom's bills while she's in the hospital, tangling with her insurance company to figure out why coverage for an X-ray was denied, and consulting with your brother—who lives three states away—about getting Mom into an assisted-living facility. You grapple with guilt because your mother never wanted to move out of her home, but now her condition leaves little choice. As the drama plays out, you're also trying to stay afloat at work and look after your other dependents, the kids.”
The Process of caring for our parents can be a gradual process for some like for my friend or is can be a sudden emergency where one needs to put their life on hold and fly six states away to coordinate care from a hospital room in order to get your loved one back home. Whatever the situation, the stress and guilt of the process can be overwhelming. Dr. Nancy L. Snyderman, M.D. of AARP, discusses the very real condition of caregiver burnout. Caring for family members, working full time and raising kids can put a person in a physical and emotional vice that can squeeze the life out of you. Dr. Snyderman writes that it is ok to give yourself permission to seek help…help from a sibling or help from an outside agency. Too many times, the adult child tries to take on too much and the ensuing aftermath can create havoc that effects relationships with others in the caregiver’s life. The ability to reach out and ask for help is very difficult for many but to do otherwise can create more challenges and even endanger the loved one you’re caring for in the first place.
If you find yourself in the position of being the primary care taker for your parent and you find yourself being snowed under with burden of trying to do it all by yourself, help is available. Home healthcare agencies like ours helps to keep people safe and independent for as long as possible before there is a transition to an extended care facility. If you’re not sure of how it all works, call and talk to an agency and they will more than likely help you figure out what services you will need and how to pay for those services.
As the cold weather starts to abate a bit and a brief wash of warmer weather comes in for a few days, I hope everyone has a safe weekend. Take care of yourself and each other, remember, we’re all in this together.
Wm Reid
Best Home Care Services
325 N Eastern Ave
Connersville, IN 47331
765-827-9833
wmreid@bhcshealth.com